thinks2remember

Lunar

Hai. So I’m thinking it’s high time for another post. A proper, well thought out and written post. I was thinking of chronicling the various subtly dwindling traditions I take part in annually during the Lunar New Year. As usual, this is a precursor post about a post, and it’s done so I would actually come back to do it when I truly feel like it, and also hints at what I had intended to write.

Idon’tgiveadamnandIdon’tknowwhy

Maybe I just don’t care. It bothers me too little. Nothing ever affects me enough to not subject it to the same pervasive indifference that everything I do is treated with. Maybe this persistent nonchalance has a deeper underlying issue.

11.11.11

So in slightly over an hour it is going to be my birthday, falling on a particularly interesting date which lends an air of significance to the otherwise bland reality of it being just another regular day. So before the largely annonymous-ish(I say that because truly there are not a large number of my contacts on that site whom I actually know or particularly care about personally)facebook posts and (expectantly miniscule number of) handphone messages come flooding in, I am going to start a post recapping the last 2 years, or year and a half leading up to this date. I will have it done before the end of the weekend, as I have been doing quite a bit of personal reflection over the past few weeks, and also I do have other responsibilities to uphold, but it is going to mainly be a personal rundown of my goals and resolutions before today. Before that though, maths assignment. Sigh.

17-11:

Okay I am back. After 6 days of uninspired evenings, I have decided to just wing it through this ever-present dredge of non-progression and just write it out because if not I might never get down to it.

Actually, I’ve already forgotten most of what I had reflected on in that weekend. However, I do have an inkling of what I wanted to write about. Firstly, my personal development.

“Slightly more than a year ago, I wrote a post on my laptop about personal resolutions. 1. Socially, be more active, and engaging. Be a different person altogether. Find more ways to relate with girls. And guys I can’t click with. But retain my own personal values and opinions about people and politics.”

Here it is. Personally, I believe I have come a long way from before all this started. 2 years ago, I dare say I entered this institution a rather different person from who I am now. I do believe that I have changed for the better in terms of self confidence, esteem and personality. It’s weird considering who I was before and the things I actually managed to do, maybe it was just the real me waiting for the right opportunity to emerge. I actually feel there is a lot more of myself that I need and want to show people, just the opportunities presented or that have arisen were not convincing nor potent enough to warrant such a huge expense of self-effort. But I have managed a few things I am at the very least glad for, like becoming such close friends with a girl I’d barely known before it all started. I miss her now though because we’ve not spoken for awhile.

She.

I have noticed a trend with myself. It seems every time I have something worth keeping, or worth a damn to give a shit about, I never want to hold on to it. I’d toss it away as if it were a glowing cinder painful to the touch. I’m a walker. I turn my back on every good thing that manages to weave itself into my life. What is wrong with me seriously. It’s as if I have an aversion to commitment to anything remotely good. It’s truly a wonder how when it comes down to it, personal relationships mean fuckall to me. So here I am, once again, just past a major crossroad and possibly, but not completely, doubting the decisions that brought me down this road, and wondering if it was the right choice. I seem to have once again hit the roundabout of the same vicious cycle of my life, and once again the repercussions are far from pleasing. Toss everything in the trash will you. Just throw it all away.

And I probably know the reasons for these feelings to resurface again. It’s because I met a new girl, whom I like. Not like like, etc. have feelings for, per se, but a girl whom I could potentially fancy. Yeah that sounds just about right. When I meet people for the first time, it’s either I’m like; ehhh or; for others it’s possible to talk to them and it’s completely fun because on some level we’re relatable and I feel a connection and it is really a beautiful feeling. I love meeting girls like that. It’s like uncovering a hidden gem, or discovering a fantastic book in the library. It’s like finding my old notebook thought long lost in the dusty drawer under the bed and discovering the stories that I wrote as a teen. Whatever. I am getting way too rhetorical. For some reason I am always emotionally attracted to girls who feel outta my reach physically. Literally. If you’re reading this and you think you know what I mean, it sucks right. God.

There are phases I go through where I just couldn’t care less about anything. I think I’ll call them the Indifferent Phases. Though they should be rightfully christened the Can’tBeFucked Phases. These are periods where the world ceases to hold any meaning to me, and I am able to leave all personal responsibility in the dust and wile life away doing redundant unproductive things like watching films and using the computer. It’s times like these I lose sight of anything and everything that’s important and take everything as it is, and just moving through this phase of my actions as if they are of no consequence. I think this just might be depression, or have roots in low self-esteem/worth. Truly every once in a while the urge comes to decimate my own life for good.

Contrarily, other times I will commit myself so completely to something it supercedes all other responsibilities. I will plunge completely and whole heartedly into the accomplishment of something that everything else is deemed irrelevant and inconsequential. I would throw myself at said task or goal to ensure it is achieved and as a result cripple all other requisites. Most of the time I do achieve it. Sadly there has not been a great many things that I’d even bothered to be bothered about at all, let alone follow through til the end. That could be where the problem lies; a complete and utter inability to spread myself around 2 and more established goals, and staying committed on said path until the destination is reached. “Failing to plan is planning to fail” rings truthfully bittersweet in this examination. It would explain my extreme aversion to commitment, and complete disregard for things and methods for doing things deemed necessary to be adequate as a person. Maybe, the issue is mental. Or maybe, I would give a fuck, but not two, even if the second is absolutely necessary to see things through to the finish.